elly.org

woke up today to tamera suggesting we drive to boulder creek to see akron/family at the brookdale lodge. YES

<wb> when that happens to me i have a method of going to sleep

<wb> first i read poetry for about a half hour. then i stand looking
<wb> out the window. waiting for somebody to pass by or something to
<wb> 'happen' maybe a bird or some little event.

<wb> i think the logic is you are awake, standing around for maybe 10
<wb> minutes staring. something happens. you have encountered the
<wb> world. you can now sleep

it is a good idea to redirect the sense of 'waiting for something' that accompanies insomnia onto the external world rather than the internal. so many nights i've been awake with a sense of waiting for a problem to be solved before i can sleep. i need something to happen. usually i look for it in the internet, or in my own mind. both of these places are dead ends and black holes. it's a better idea to wait for a bird to fly by the window, a person to walk by, or another external signifier. a sign.

i know i should stop posting about facebook and things that happen on it, but i am in a weird state of confusion this week because i started a new job and i experienced so much sunshine and happiness over the past week that i don't even know how to feel. i think i feel... happy... but the absence of the concern and strange isolated depression from the past year is disorienting. like, is it real? i am still deciding how i feel about feeling this way. ha.

also recently all my my methods of communicating and experiencing the world shifted DRASTICALLY and i'm having to recalibrate who or what is the audience and mirror for my life. everyone needs a mirror, a thing to shine into and be reflected by. mine has always been a relationship, something immersive, and now it ain't, so though i'm not UNHAPPY i am floating quite freely in a new and unfamiliar space when it comes to creation and reaction and experience. so i'm transitional. i don't know who or what i'm writing for anymore. or taking pictures for. i know, i know, it was always me, but it's different without... a muse, i guess.

anyway, i posted a link to justine lai's paintings of herself fucking every US president in chronological order and then it went like this:

i found the disparity between "she's subjugating herself to patriarchal norms" and "cool, she likes getting spanked" to be amusing. also, both of these conclusions seem premature.


11:41 -!- Irssi: Join to #techies was synced in 0 secs
11:41 < @dan > o yay
11:41 < le> don't say i never did anything for you
11:41 < le> ops pls
11:41 -!- mode/#techies [+o le] by dan
11:41 < @dan> haha