elly.org / journals

February, 2009

February 12, 2009 - 6:10am

in los angeles


February 20, 2009 - 5:27am

UFO

you were just a light
that had an impossible trajectory


February 20, 2009 - 5:35am

seasons always shift too late



February 25, 2009 - 5:45pm

come on, it's just the lighting

new moon.
got sick, got my period.

got up and went to the office today. was feeling terrible under the flourescent lights while trying to debug database problems. pausing to blow my nose every few minutes. looked up at some point to wonder if life will always feel so empty and pointless. i wasn't wondering in a depressed way, just totally confused, how can it have come to this, for me, after everything? after savannah, after san francisco, after omega, after peter, after oliver, after india, after astrology and so much crying and so much magic, is this the end, me in an office debugging database issues as if nothing ever changed, as if nothing ever happened?

i don't have any idea how to balance my need for security with my desire to be wild and free. it's easier when you have someone to help hold up your life, and i just don't anymore. sometimes that makes me feel bitter but more often it just makes me sad and humbled. i spent a lot of years exploring outward with the security of a dependable fella there to fall back on. now i've just got myself to make the money and keep home safe, and it makes me recognize all that was done for me. now it's been months and months but i still sometimes cry with self pity when i have to make my own tea in the midst of a raging head cold - it doesn't seem fair, and it doesn't make sense, because egotistically i believe that i deserve to have a companion.

jesus this post is terrible.


February 28, 2009 - 11:20am

facebook videos

i've noticed that watching video of myself talking, even about superficial topics briefly on someone's facebook wall, makes me feel a new sense of compassion for myself. i have had a similar reaction to skyping with people - it makes me feel comfortable with myself in a way phone and aim never does. obviously skype helps me to feel compassion and reality about the person i'm talking TO, but it's the compassion for myself i find interesting about the situation. i'm not sure why internet video has this effect of self acceptance. perhaps it's easier to feel compassion for oneself when looking at one's own human face. to some degree it must be a biological response to the face.

when i am expressing myself via writing words or on the phone, i don't see myself and often don't consciously understand that i'm human and in my body. i can only see or hear the words i'm creating, which are sometimes incredibly inadequate and seem to float from a non physical location somewhere behind or above my line of sight. it can feel like a fight for me to try to make sense or adequately describe my feelings when i communicate this way. when i watch myself communicating in a video, i can see that i am just a person like everyone else, and that my body is involved. the visual register of my physical reality adds so much intuitive data to the communication that the inadequacy of language seems much less desperate.


February 28, 2009 - 9:06pm

expansion/limits

i thought about my saturn and jupiter tattoos today, while i sat on the sidewalk on harrison street, overcome by sickness and sadness. i was looking at sutro tower and all the clouds flat and layered layered layered in tight stratas behind its steel angles, and i was looking at how the clouds were becoming wider and more spacious and floating freely as they went further up and out. the light was changing, turning from gold to grey and the sun was setting but i wasn't thinking consciously about any of that. i was sitting there thinking about how i've expanded so much to take this in, to make room for this, and i have just hit my natural limit. i can no longer even understand how to evolve further, to contort further, to find ways to make more space and more acceptance. i could have lied to myself from the beginning, and i could be terrible, and it could all be my fault, and none of it matters because the wall of saturn has stopped this expansion now, i have simply reached the organic boundary set by life and mind, and no amount of jupiterian philosophical mental gymnastics and enlightenment can press it any further out.


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