December, 2007

Mar 8

SXSWSSXSWSSXXSWWSSX

Mar 8

oh it's a lot, but it was only supposed to be about the cockettes

Feb 24

current status

Feb 8

i have been thinking about riding my bike to work

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moar: thru 1996

RSS. how to read remotely.

December 4, 2007 - 2:38am

wow

i just really haven't been updating this at all. it seems almost impossible now. so much has changed and i don't know how to express it here.
maybe it's time to move on to other projects? maybe saturn return is the harbinger of the end of this particular chapter of self expression? maybe i just need to move the old entries around, redesign, and start with a fresh page? maybe twitter is to blame, stealing my inspiration and compacting it into tiny updates there?

as of today there's 1083 entries in here (not counting things written on swinney.org, livejournal, and suicidegirls), and the oldest is 11 years old. i've lost the early ones from savannah, before i was 19. bummer. but... yes. my life from 19 to 30. how insane. i guess i could feel a little pathetic for doing this for so long, but i don't, i feel awesome.

journaling

December 30, 2007 - 10:38am

this morning's dream

i'm in new york. i took some melatonin last night to fight off jetlag. the result was that around 8am this morning, i had a really really long dream that was just the same but lasted forever. the dream was: i'm laying in a wooded grotto near the ocean in cape cod (??). i'm laying on a pile of dirt, sleeping. the ocean laps against my feet in their boots. next to me, her back to me, there's a girl on a computer. sitting at a cheap pine computer desk. she must be me but she's not really me. she's typing, ignoring me as i lay there being lapped by the ocean. this goes on. the sun sets. it's night. it's day. this goes on.

December 31, 2007 - 3:52pm

and i am a creature, and i am survivin'

new years eve, ensconced in karen's apartment in downtown brooklyn (near fulton mall "where all the black girls have the most amazing asses"), sewing patches tamera gave me over the holes around the cuffs of my old hoodie. it says SPACESHIP EARTH and i ordered it when i first moved to new york in 2003, no doubt to keep some part of myself safe from midtown.

oh this dance, how we move away and come back together. and break apart, over and over again. the days of closeness with others and it all seeming just fine and being so fucking optimistic and open and seeing how it's all gonna unfold so beautifully. followed by days of blankness. punctuated with flashes of fear and bitterness and yes, anger. i'm afraid the bitterness could be systemic, actually, and i'm not so happy about it. i'm not in any way judging myself or pushing at myself to be different, though. what a relief. i constantly ask what's real, and i spend time thinking about what a person like me can even need. or want. yesterday at brunch i said, i want for nothing, and it's pretty true.

and here i am somehow in new york city, somehow in my life. it's 6:30 and i'm to take the Q to find pinky and go to a massive party somewhere in long island city. all i want to do is just be calm and be compassionate somehow in the chaos of the city and the expectations for this night. i think of the party and i think of dancing in new york and i look at these patches which are kind of like little reminders of the present and how it's built on the past, and i just try to imagine myself limp and calm and not resistant (irresistable?). i think of myself in places, standing around like some kind of wavering projection, made of something that is accepting everything around me and beaming love and calmness at it. which is what i want to do with other people as much as i can, especially the closest ones.

i am definitely glad that the holidays are about to be over. they have been stressful and kind of sad and confusing. my life has changed a lot in the past few months and i really don't know what i'm supposed to be doing on days that have traditions involved. tomorrow i'm going to chant with krishna das like i have this day in other years, but i'm not going to be at all suprised if it feels totally wrong. even though i don't think it will.

i met a girl in caravan of dreams today who asked me "do you think in the fourth dimension?"
i just said yes. i mean, yeah. yes. i totally do.

jarett
nyc

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