i got tired of walking around manhattan after we left santacon around 3pm. i was hungry, and i had become a little overwhelmed by recent depression and stress. we were in chelsea which never seems to have anything good. i started crying with some kind of muddled sadness and frustration mixed with general built up unhappiness. we sat on the curb a moment and evaluated our options. it was kind of cold and i was wearing a santa dress and a santa hat with holes cut in and bunny ears poking through.
a serious but hip looking young asian man pulled up in some bland car, and asked if we were saving the parking spot that our feet were inadvertantly in. we said no. we moved up to sit on the sidewalk and he parked and got out of the car with his wife and dog. they began unloading packages. the dog licked us a lot and the man apologized for her a few times. oliver complimented the man on his parking spot. we asked them about a diner we were trying to find where oliver promised there were grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. the man gave us some advice that resembled the advice the people in the coffee shop gave us, and he also completely ignored the fact that i was dressed like a santa bunny and oliver was a full on santa with a fat belly and jester style santa hat. his wife ignored us completely. it sounds like i didn't like him but i was very comforted by the interaction and his steadiness.
we walked around the corner, continuing on our diner goose chase, and wandered into a bookstore we'd passed before. there was a large painting on the wall which seemed like a message straight to me.
after that day i had a couple more bad times with some crying and release of pent up stress and emotions that i haven't been talking about because i've been working too much and being all anxious about talking about anything. finally on tuesday and wednesday i was happy and felt more myself than i had in a few months. i really need to not bottle things up. it's hard, i have to make an appointment with myself to feel things and then maybe i can make an appointment with someone to talk about feelings, but i hate appointments so i'll probably just keep bursting forth randomly. which is fine. we are all different.
oliver asked me if the time it takes me to adjust to where i am is the same amount of time no matter how long i'm staying, or a time period relative to the length of the entire trip. i thought about that question a lot. i didn't really think about what the answer to it actually is, but instead i just thought about all the possibilities inherent in the question and would mix them around in my mind while i was falling asleep or between comments in conversation.
in the airport in new york oliver bought me a book about a call girl. i finished it by the time i went to sleep in san francisco. i love stories about hookers and drug users.
...
list of new york activities, all out of order:
- went to the met to lay happily near the temple of dendur, and oliver petted my hair
- went to great lakes and saw dp and drank only water and gingerale
- party at pete & urcella's
- got all these ideas about shit i want to do
- went to PS1 (AMAZING)
- santacon
- tried to go to little branch. too crowded, like a sauna, upright bass or whatever might have taken it a little beyond for me
- argued in the union square holiday market, actually became BORED during argument related anxiety attack, then had sudden bizarrely easy reconciliation and shopped like normal.
- drinks at the 80s B Bar
- gave pinky a footrub since she walked across mhtn for 12 hours in bedroom slippers
- admired juniper
...
i'm going to vieques island for a week tomorrow night. i know i should go there and stay off the computer but i want to build some stuff in second life, which is what i did last time i was on vacation and it was wonderfully soothing.
