saturday was a while ago, but i have been meaning to say that i had a transcendant experience as i stared into the bluest most infinite horizon possible saturday night. i was sitting in one of the small pools at esalen, leaning over the stone side, resting my chin on the backs of my hands, staring out into the nothingness of the pacific at night as the ocean crashed below. it seemed like i could float and merge with the horizon.
after that i could only sit in the soft light of the dressing area holding my knees and thinking some very nonverbal things in a stunned silence. i noticed saturn and jupiter on my arms and kissed them hello.
the next day bonnie prince billy came into the restaurant we were having brunch in. he wore a red vest. and some of the girls who had been at the night baths with us were there, too, in their UGGs and puffy vests. they had a tiny black poodle. i ate a pancake. very satisfying.
then oliver bought us some funny little robot plants. well, they aren't robots but they are succulents which seem unfriendly at first. i've become very enamored with succulents.
today i was in paxton gate considering the terrariums. what does one plant in terrariums? expensive orchids and carnivorous plants only, or other things too? i like the idea of some exotic mossy things. a terrarium really seems like quite a magical situation. i had visions of myself sitting in front of my terrarium, lost in some kind of dream like terrarium induced trance.
when i was about 11 or 12, there were a number of small terrariums made from large glass jugs in the public library on the base where we lived. i loved the library very much and the terrariums were definitely a major contributing factor in my affection. whoever made them had put small mirrors in the dirt to look like ponds, and surrounded the ponds with little figurines. i remember a deer, and a gnome. they were great. that library had a number of good books about gypsies that i kept reading over and over. to this day it's the library i imagine by default. it's like my platonic ideal of a library, if the universe is only in my head.
in other news i've spent the day fighting to find a way to migrate content from movable type to drupal. totally unsatisfying but i learned a lot. wednesday is work from the coffee shop day. i love it.
also, today i cut the cuffs off some pants i had. i never understood why i didn't quite like these pants but after some deliberation i decided i hated the length. now they are what i think of as pee-wee herman length and i love them so much more!
i've spent some time considering that the last half of my 20s seems to have been about loss. i feel very intensely that i lost many things/people/naive-dreams in the last four or five years. now as the loss gets further from me it's hard to define what i lost exactly.. people, maybe, but the people are still around in some capacity. i think the loss is more about loss of certain constructs and safety nets i'd created in my own mind. it's been a real shaking up of the psychological foundation of self. certain people and situations are symbols for that shift. now i can't tell who or what i am even supposed to miss, anymore, and what was real, and whether i'm just missing parts of my mind that can no longer exist unexamined or in blissful ignorance. maybe all i'm saying is "loss of innocence" but it seems more complex than that.
i'm not really as concerned about it, anymore. finally at a place where i can see it without being wrought with horrible feelings of helplessness about it. optimism has begun to return, though i must say part of the transition is that i feel much more like i have to vociferously defend and espouse ideas that mean a lot to me. i've realized that i can no longer take for granted that the people around me are able to meet me in my head, or that they are even *like* me at all. tonight, i do believe in everyone's potential to be a total kindred spirit, though, which is more than i would have said a few months ago.
soon it will be my birthday! this month is really amazing, astrologically, for scorpios. i am very excited.
