it's kind of impressive how completely unmoved to update i have been in the past couple of months. i've been really overwhelmed with lots of life. truly, i am busy. every day at work is intense and crazy, every evening is filled with class, yoga, more work sometimes, social engagements sometimes, and looking after chores and goals around the house. i've been very active and actually kind of stressed out, but nothing so severe and melancholy that it requires an extended rumination here in this place generally reserved for such things.
i have been keeping my photos alive, also on flickr, with the fleeting visual updates of the world. the photo updates are more opaque and maybe dull, but they are what i have for now.
though it's impossible to use my phone cam to replicate the complete isolated immersion i feel in my daily routines. the walks to and fro, the reverie on these walks. sometimes walking is a time consuming burden that makes me feel abandoned by some inexplicable societal construct, but more and more often it takes on a meditative quality. when it was raining everything seemed so lush and perfect and gentle and safe and i loved to look at everything while i was walking. not always, because sometimes the cold rain was frustrating, but often.
last weekend i was at harbin doing astrology readings at kristie's athayoga retreat. i was nervous, as it's been a while since i've done readings, but it was wonderful and i felt the flow of intuition return. and i walked through nature at night and had ecstatic moments while doing so. and i saw stars. and the fig tree over the warm pool had been trimmed, and i had a ride up with two amazing people who comforted me just by existing. and i did what i wanted. and i was just fine. next time i want to camp, though. instead of sequester myself in a room all scorpio-like.
i absolutely LOVE my art history class. LOVE. i started to have this big feeling while i was there tonight about what studying means to me and why i do it, but it was more of a feeling than an idea and i lost it. though while i was having it i desperately wanted to explain somehow, or note it. i wrote a note to myself about it, even. but when i re-read it, it seemed so obvious, like the things you say when you're high that seem so profound.
but it's such a relief to have new special language for worlds of ideas, which is what school gives you over and over. and i was telling oliver at dinner tonight that everytime i learn a new construct to lay over the world, it's like the everything is brand new, with new dimensions, and i get to check life out all over again with the new information in mind. whatever it is. it's completely great. what else is there to possibly do?!?
yoko has brought me her special toy. and now she is drinking from my water glass.
so, things are still super busy, and look to be that way for at least all of may. there will be short break in june before summer semester at school starts, when i am only working, not working and schooling. i don't know how it will play out, but i really need a vacation and i really really fucking deserve one. i'm going to make sure and have one, but it probably won't be till late july.
i want to remind myself that even during this stressful busy time, when i'm so focused on work and logistics and saturn things, that i need to take care of myself. by sleeping, daydreaming, going to yoga, eating ok, eating vitamins. it will make everything easier.
meow.
