before i begin my status update:
all hail toshok, for he hath made my RSS feeds no longer suck. chris toshok: expert in not sucking.

now, the updates.

coffee

i have been cutting back on the coffee. so far, this has meant taking one or two days off then having a small cup, then taking a day off, then back on. and supplementing with tea in between days. i really enjoy the perspective i get from taking little breaks like this. i haven't been able to quit altogether, nor been too interested in that as of yet.

there was a time at omega when i drank no coffee for months at a time. my revelation then was "wow, i'm not a stressed out person!" Now, i feel that the days off from the brew are days that i sleep better and notice more about the world around me.

i'm really happy with the cutting back approach, rather than the cold hard suffering of "oh i'm quitting forever." punishing oneself is not the goal.

regaining freakhood

after a long period of feeling fat, boring, and uninspired, i am endeavoring to rekindle some of the optimistic freakhood that lives within me. the evidence of my new battle to return to the fringe of society is as follows:

1. i went to an astrology lecture last night.
   heidi and i went to hear antero alli discuss his thoughts on the most commonly used asteroids in astrology. if you are curious, they are: chiron, juno, vesta, pallas-athene, and ceres. i took a lot of notes, and that felt good. i have so many notebooks filled with notes and photocopies about astrological things. they have been neglected, these scrawlings and investigations, for almost the entire year that i've been back in SF. i am glad to be back on track.

   (afterward we walked all the way from the marina to fillmore and california, and i felt very myself and very excited to be free and ran up the hills. heidi was unphased by my excitable hill traversing, which means she has the right priorities in life.)

2. i am volunteering at center camp cafe at burning man.
   that's right, instead of grumping about burning man being filled with drunks and strippers now, and hiding in my tent moping and grooming, i'm just going to involve myself as much as possible. i'm really really really excited about this concept, though i'm trepidatious about commuting across the playa to volunteer. it's strange to have responsibilities there. it means having to know what time it is, and it also means that i will need to get a playa routine of some sort so i can be prepared, acclimate, and work hard each day. my usual mode there is to spend hours pacing around camp trying to find what i need and generally being very inefficient. that will have to change a bit. i'm really psyched though.
3. i am taking a three day hooping class.
   well, actually, it is a "hoopdance intensive" and i'm very nervous about it! but i love hooping and i hope that i will meet some nice people and have fun and be motivated by being around other hoopers! time to drop the self-judging 'i'm not like those flouro burning man hoopgirls' attitude and just immerse in doin something i like. i'm scared.
4. some other plans which i'm too sleepy to elaborate on, involving new college, permaculture, and community. let's call it a general reinvestment in the concepts surrounding communal living.

i am very sleepy and not the best at writing conclusions.

i crashed out after work, in most of my clothes, wrapped up like a burrito in duvet. i woke up covered in sweat, a common occurance lately.
I.

there, i dreamt that oliver and i were at burning man, though the environment was more lush (it looked like omega, really). he drove us there in our red VW biodiesel machine. somehow, we accidentally brought yoko the cat. when we arrived we parked near the greeters and i did shifts with them while oliver disappeared, but yoko wasn't doing very well. she was very thirsty and hot. i gave her tiny bowls of water which she drank quickly but still panted and looked bad. i walked around the camp with her in my arms, looking for someone with an RV that had AC. it seemed like she would die.

everyone turned me away for a seemingly logical reason. i even ran into david and he had a trailer with his two cats there, and was lounging there in lamplight looking rather fetching in a top hat with two enormous beautiful male cats laying next to him. it seemed that if i brought yoko into his trailer the male cats would destroy her though, and she was very tiny.

at times, yoko tried to run away, and looked more like steve5's cat mika. i was looking desperately for oliver and for the comforting sight of our red car. i needed him to get me so we could take her to reno, but i couldn't find him. there was a series of disconnected situations where i put yoko in different holding pens , so i could leave to go find oliver, but each way i tried to lock her up was faulty and i coudln't bear to leave her alone in it. there was no resolution, but somehow i woke up.

II.

two very short terrifying burst dreams where a horrible man who was kind of like an evil santa was coming in the window by bed. he was shocking and framed in black, like a flash was going off that would never stop. i woke up with a start. i could not stop his approach, though i kicked him hard in the stomach in one of the dreams.

everything is very urgent and important today. suddenly i've been slammed back into myself after an astral projection where my soul was floating around corporate traditional america. thanks for coming home, soul.
god i'm so horny for everythinngngggnnggg.

i have been having these really extended fantasies of dressing like vivienne westwood designs of the nineties, with bustle skirts and suit jackets, top hats with tulle face coverings attached, and vintage looking boots. i have so many extended clothing fantasies, it's like dreaming about a painting you want to make someday.

there was exciting php success today. i'm still psyched about that.
then, on the toilet, i read that jung hated math. he couldn't understand math, or what the numbers meant. he got through algebra in school by using his photographic memory to remember different patterns and solutions to equations. that is how i was too, so i was really excited, except i didn't actually get through math. he also hated gymnastics because he hated being told how to move his body.

pete took us out to delfina and it was so fucking awesome and good.

oliver played tv on the radio so loud in the car, it made me feel ecstatic. a soaring feeling of total understanding, and reverence of oliver's experience of art and music. that's an important thing in relationship, don't you think? to be able to enjoy and relate to how your lover experiences art?

i'm having a small phase of drinking and i'm cool with that.

i'm totally ecstatic after the second hoop class. i feel really inspired and ready to be in my body again. yay!! i feel so much clearer and right with the world. i'm all giddy and giggly tonight.
i had a wonderful conversation with the mother of the woman who is teaching the class, as we shared a cab. halfway through an enthusiastic soliloquy about omega, community, and burning man, i left my body and looked on at myself, happy, talking about things that really matter to me. dropping the self judgement and just being excited about life and good things in the world. pure self. there is some pureness in these last two days.

on a related note i have nearly finished gathering all the things together for my new college application for the fall. i still need to write my 'personal statement' which is, of course, the hardest part.

also today, i sat with molly at ritual. she gave me the amazing beautiful scarf she made for me in return for a reading, and we discussed some heavy topics. i only just got to know her and she's moving away, but that's ok too, i respect the fleetingness of the world.

i was just experience glee about this post on the hooping.org blog. it addresses the issues that can come up when you're hooping topless with nipple piercings. niche advice for a special brand of freaks. i love that there are enough people in the world that might have nipple piercings and hoop topless that this post's advice needed to be disseminated.

boing!

i want to take some kind of stretching or dance class so that i can get stronger and more flexible so that i can do some of the crazy hoop tricks that require bending crazily. but i don't know how.. i feel like i need a ballet or modern dance class but those sound too intimidating. maybe contact improv or something like that? suggestions welcome.

doot de doo, sorry for all of you who could give a shit less about hooping.

time to eat cookies and read harry potter in bed. awww yeah. life is grand.