last night i was very moved and inspired by watching justin's recent film of his own upset. it brought up a lot of crap for me. it's amazing: the power of filming oneself in a time when one feels most isolated and alone, then sharing that with the public. it's one of those moments that i'm sure you know of. we are truly alone in times like the one depicted in justins film, despite the reassurances we make to ourselves later. and the reassurances others make to us when we reach out. there are just moments of true isolation and despair in life. and it's ok. it's needed. to document such a thing and tame it by making it publically available is, to me, a major feat of connection. i'm impressed and moved. it will stick with me.
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i was thinking about objects today. well, i was thinking about objects last night too,in a different way. i guess modern life inherently involves reflection upon the nature of manmade objects.
here is what i was thinking today though. i was carefully folding each sheet of paper that the movers used to pack oliver's belongings. we were unpacking and there was a pile of paper. it should be recycled. it just takes up less space when it is folded. so i began to fold, gently considering each sheet and it's origin, the trees, the pulp. how valuable a sheet of paper might have been 2000 years ago. how important atoms are, even the ones that make up trash. so i folded.
there was another thought about objects and culture which i had yesterday while we shopped on fillmore street. i don't want to go into it. a moment was: we were in a store that had a famous chair which sometimes comes with a furry cowhide upholstery. we walked by it. i slid my hand along the skin of the cow. the urge to touch something like this is in reverence of the life of the cow, a slim reassurance to the value of that life. not a sadness or judgement, just in that time of my fingers sliding along the pelt, a moment of reverence and a gentle thought sent out to some concept of the owner of the hide. where is that owner now? it's unknown. only my hand and its skin remain, maybe.
yesterday in the early morning i had a nightmare which caused me to moan in my sleep. only three times in my life have i had a dream which caused me to yell out in my sleep. it's a very foreign concept to me, because sleep and the rest of reality should be separate. all three times that i have made noises in reality while dreaming, i was trying to scream inside dreamland. and all those times, i was in bed with someone. i feel like i would never do that if i was in bed alone. how does sleep-me know that there is someone else in bed with me who can help? all the times it happened, the person in bed with me helped me, woke me, held me.
today, israeli movers who like trance music and burning man are carrying oliver's things into our home. it's very sunny in our house, which makes me happy, because it's very dark in my office. i should bring one of the full spectrum lightbulbs and a cliplight there.
i have a statue of green tara. she was looking out of place in this home until today. i'm looking at her now and she seems especially benevolent. she also has some awesome earrings on.
