there hasn't been a lot of time for intense revelations or philosophy lately.
today, at work, everything seemed really hard and i didn't know how i was going to handle my job because i couldn't figure out how to install perl in a chroot jail. then someone really nice helped me solve the problem. and i guessed someone's sign first try. so now it is ok.

on thursday i go to new york for a few days to say bye for a while and help oliver with "spring cleaning" his apartment. actually he is moving out and moving here to live with me in our huge new apartment. but i can't bear the thought of another home (his place in brooklyn) going away, so he said we can pretend it's just spring cleaning. i don't really know how to deal with more loss of home, and it has been making me flip out and have some kind of like.. panic attacks. i wish i could eat valium there so that every day there would just be pleasant and not sad. i am especially sad about not living with amy anymore. it's lonely to live as a couple by yourselves. amy was the perfect roomate. i love her. here's to you egg. i hope we can live together again someday.

what else happened today? since i'm not feeling poetic let me just tell you what happened. hmm. i woke up this morning and stayed in bed while oliver packed for his flight to new york. bed was cozy and i snuggled into it. then i got up and walked with oliver to atlas, but i left again and went back home because i realized if i didn't wash my hair my day was going to suck. that is the awesome part of working 5 blocks from your house!

at work i sat under the LED sign which currently proclaims KITTENS GROOMING EACH OTHER!!!. i updated a lot of things on the site and worked to figure out about the broken perl.

kristie and i made plans on chat to eat some urban forage takeout together, since she is sick and i wanted to bring her some things. sick people are supposed to be brought things. that is the way.

then i got stressed out about work (because i don't know shit about chroot) and really sad because oliver's plane took off and it made me realize that we were going to have to really face saying goodbye to new york for a little while. i started to panic and get a tight chest and wanted to cry but i was at work. i considered calling my shrink, but i don't really know if she would be much good for me while i'm flipping out. but it's probably just that i don't trust her. peter helped me with my perl problem on chat for a while and generally reassured me about stuff, which he is awesome at. both perl problems and reassurance.

then i walked to atlas cafe and got a soy mocha and that made everything better. i saw my landlord there. her name is kate, and she is a redhead and a documentary filmmaker. she didn't see me though, and i was relieved because sometimes making small talk makes me nervous.

on the way back i walked by 20th and shotwell and wonderd for the millionth time what building oqo is in.

i geeked hard on my caffiene rush and then the really nice interim sysadmin at work came and talked to me about my perl problem. it was good, i just told him i was feeling overwhelmed and he came up with a plan and it was good. yay! i was really happy and relieved then.

then i got a burrito. it had too much cilantro.

then i went back to work.

then i went to go see kristie. jeremy was there too. i ate my dessert first. it was very peaceful to sit and do nothing exciting, just dinner and conversation and watching the calm process of kristie brushing the cat.

on the way home it rained, but i was happy because i had my pink umbrella. i got on the 33 stanyan at 18th and church, on a whim. i had a hunch in might go near our new house. the bus driver was really nice and let me on for free, then later explained to me all the good busses to take by the new apartment. it was just me and him on the bus, and the 33 goes a block from my house! yay! that was exciting.

then oliver called, then i sent some email, now yoko is on my lap.

alright bye.

...

one more thing.

when we looked at an apartment we had really wanted in noe valley, we met the current tenants and they were fucking awesome people who we befriended instantly. they were moving out to go back to brooklyn! and we had just come from brooklyn. so we bonded. one of them sent me a nice email. the part i want to share says:

"We really hope you guys find a good place. If not, NYC is always there
and will always be the same."

that is so reassuring.

one day, they said your eyes were faultyyou called me to tell me
it seemed that would explain the headaches.

...

looking up at the damp ceiling i said thank you to new york
for everything.

there have been a lot of compromises in the past year
and things i didn't expect.

i forgot about the gas lantern. i will miss that.

the tub is very deep here.

i have some sort of illness - my lymph nodes are swollen and painful, even under my armpits. this is something i have never experienced before: the lymph nodes in my armpits making themselves known. i started crying on the sidewalk because i was sick and confused. i knew i was getting sick when i came here but it seemed like a good place to come and lay still.

the new apartment is huge and lonely. it feels so big compared to this one.

i have been so worried and stressed that the world is passing me by. there was a time when i was calm, when i absorbed all complexity with an unmatched placidity. do you remember then? you were there, we slept in bed together. there was no big picture of failure then, only possibility and ruthless optimism. how can i learn to accept the past anew, not as a list of failures, mistakes, and pain, but as some kind of journey?

things were so small then. megan brought plants in from the backyard, laid them on the bathroom sink. i was not afraid to decorate, to make an altar and be so thankful. even with all of the good things in my life lately, there is so much fear, and i feel lonely to be living where we are, by ourselves. i know that i can't compare though, and there can only be patience. but i can't tell myself things are ok much anymore. i worry more and more.

tonight i had the realization that if i were to exercise more i would handle my life better. physical endurance would possibly serve me well. knowing i could survive a catastrophe. instead of knowing i would surely die in the face of any more of them. do they just build up as you get older? how does anyone live through all the things in the world?

i feel small and worthless this evening, like i have abandoned everything that ever meant anything to me. like leaving houseplants for other people to take care of. i left astrology to everyone else, i left all the hopes to the others. i'm still not sure why. i think that things are more complex than the obvious answer (which would be that i'm afraid of failure or insecure). i think there is something else going on.

sometimes a person has to develop a mythology about themselves and their life (and their purpose) in order to move forward. from the outside it could look one way. but inside the dream builds into it's own careful structure, and that is the only way it can continue. for me.

perhaps that is the fever talking.

i fucking love ibuprofen. it is the best drug ever. i will take some soon.

i don't feel like writing lately. need things to settle first. give me a break.

i said "i don't want to be bald" as michelle snipped at my misshappen outgrown fauxhawk."aww honey" she said, softly. "you're not going to be bald." she said it again, for comfort. a low coo. "you're not going to be bald." before that we had been speaking sort of lightly, a cheerful chitter chatter. i think she heard the actual sadness in my voice then.
my period hit me like a ton of bricks. cramps and bleeding all in the span of an hour. like a sudden rainstorm on a sunny day.

i feel depressed and isolated. how boring.

today i've been thinking about the meaning of promises, and the meaning of loyalty. there's something about sacrifice in there too.
i'm really tired. work takes a long time.

also, this is the first year in a while i've attemped to do the socially accepted thing for the holidays. presents, niceties, manners. it makes me tired and makes me feel like people don't really care about each other. that they just robotically do things that are expected of them. i had to force myself to do the things. i thought maybe i'd try it another way this year, try playing along. it hasn't really felt very good. when will people come to me?

anyway doing the present-getting stuff and holiday-carding stuff is really tiring and stressful. i can see why people get so upset around the holidays. so many expectations and so many opportunities for failure. failing oneself, failing others. and underneath it all the pervasive understanding that the things you are buying/doing might not cause you to be more known, or feel more fulfilled. it seems dishonest.

but i'm a really specific person.

i miss oliver a lot. and i'm worried about my cat.

soon i would like to start studying again, and reading things which are difficult to understand.