elly.org / journals

April, 2004

April 1, 2004 - 1:12pm

current status

moon:waxing gibbous, entering virgo today. nearly full. my period is very late, and i think it's switching itself around back to the full moon, since i've been bleeding on the new moon for the past few months. i predict i will bleed on monday, as the full libra moon begins its reign. if you'd like to worry that i'm pregnant you can go ahead and do that, but i'm not. this lateness and moon phase readjustment is a known bug (feature). edit: 3:42pm: got my period.

weather:
rain. i carried my pink umbrella today. it is very cute and pleasing. i did encounter a problem during my transition from the out-of-doors to the subway, though. it's hard to hold your coffee, get out your metro card, and collapse your umbrella all at the same time. coffee spillage was minimal but i think i looked like a buffoon.

food as of 11:40am:
mango/banana/almondbutter/soymilk smoothie. double soy mocha.

music:
alloytrex. these guys are members of my favorite hippy raver crew, koinonea.

this week at school:
romanticism. the french revolution.

taxes:
not done yet.

bills:
somewhat dealt with.

mind dominated by the following thoughts:

wondering whether this is the new dance scene replacing raving. having a lot of thoughts about the idea of "tribalism." i like the idea of "urban tribalism" especially when it means dreadlocked hippies with huge crazy tattoos and 00ga stretched ears, or beautiful bald raw foodists with crystal spiral earpieces and 2 yoga classes a day. but what does it mean to be "tribal" and what cultures are you appropriating , especially in the context of bellydancing, burning man, firedancing? it's sort of blanket pagan tribal, it feels a little disingenous to me, simply because i like things to have traceable roots and history. of course the reason i'm thinking about this is because i'm VERY attracted to the aesthetic, it feels like coming home in some way. but i must examine before i buy into it.

speaking of aesthetics: my hair. i really really really hate my hair right now. i can't decide what to do with it. let's get to the meat of this issue: because i'm not with my people, who are usually my external influence for physical manifestation of cultural allegience (ie: i want to look cool like they do), i'm kind of floating in space when it comes to how to look right now. that and money is a problem but that's surmountable. i realize this discussion may seem shallow to you, but as a person who expresses beliefs and community and artistic beauty through external appearance, it's very important to me to be thoughtful about my choice of adornment. a sign of my recent depression is my very drab outward appearance.

annnnd i don't know what else. i'm thinking about a lot of things. i'm thinking about yoga, cloth yoga mats, visiting india, how important school is, my concern about my mental health, trying to keep in contact with people, the glut of male energy in academic philosophy programs, looking forward to my trip to seattle for school, travel in general, communities and how i miss them, how fast time moves and how terrible wasting it is, what love really is, what relationships should mean to me, what affects my self confidence, how i wish i could purge and renew both my clothing and record collections, how i wish i had more time to cook, how i should email megan and see how she is, wondering if i will see oof this weekend, looking forward to seeing kennedy speak friday. and more. everything!

hungry.

...

these people all have new albums that are out or almost out. i want them all but I'M FUCKING BROKE:

- modest mouse
- wilco
- the roots
- mike watt
- devendra banhart
- bonnie prince billy
- califone
- xiu xiu
- ming & fs
- broker/dealer


April 2, 2004 - 11:40am

you can turn the city upside down, but it won't keep you dry

the world was completely still when i woke up, ten minutes before my alarm. even yoko was curled up calmly next to me, awake and blinking into the ether, rather than doing her usual: a loud routine of meowing and walking around on my head asking for breakfast. i got ready for work, and everything i touched then belonged only to me, existed within no context but that of my own life. the obsessive thoughts and rituals were gone, leaving only a strange silence in their stead. even my subway ride was bizarrely calm, the universe's careful hand shepherding me to the trains with ease. i have never been on a train that empty at that hour of morning. new york city seems muffled and respectful on this day.


April 5, 2004 - 11:20am

i figured out 3,076,878 things about myself this weekend

sleepily, i wrapped the world up with words, my face resting on your soft chest. i can't even remember what we said anymore, i only remember discovering the feeling and putting it away carefully, with all the other discoveries. some of it will be written down and some of it is just known because once it's concious, it's concious forever.
worrying whether or not you've made the right choice becomes irrelevant as time passes. what is happening right now is the only thing.

connections and discoveries:

- it is possible that so much of the ritual and attention paid to absent lovers and their memories is related to losing so many people when i was a kid, moving every couple of years. or watching my friends move away. these respectful rituals go back to 5th grade. when my best friend terra moved away and every day i would visit a tree that we both liked, and look up at her window. and when my first boyfriend moved away after living in our house for a while, and i wouldn't let anyone go in his room.

- mercury in the 12th. this is why i feel like i need seclusion (12th house) to think (mercury). that is all good. glad i figured that out. sometimes the most literal interpretations escape me.

other stuff:

i hurt my foot frolicking on the sidewalk and now i have to limp. i'm a dork.

i love school.

things might be ok.

need to call about 10 doctors today.


April 7, 2004 - 4:08pm

css victory; etc

<le> holy shit!!! my fucking thing works!! even in fucking ie5 mac!#@
<le> motherfuckers i'm a genius!!!

<ab> are those jay-z lyrics

...

very sleep deprived. not interested in sharing any of today's major revelations. seeing deathcab tonight.

this fucking rocks.


April 9, 2004 - 11:32am

dreams, suffering

this morning before waking i dreamt that noah (pictured there with eve) kept his music on a 3.5 inch floppy disk. he was trying to play it in a computer, and peter was helping him fix broken drivers (.dll) to make it happen. they were gentle with each other over this task. as i began to wake up, noah looked up from the computer and toward me. then he carefully and quietly (so as not to wake me and oliver, it seemed ) left the computer and the dream, nodding knowingly at me as he pushed back from the desk. my dream-self was left looking at the desk, an empty chair and an abandoned computer, just before i woke.
once, a long time ago, he told me "maybe i'll visit you in dreamtime." and he does, fairly often.

...

trying to hold onto anything causes suffering.


April 11, 2004 - 11:38pm

life

drinking coffee at 10:30pm sunday night. working on a paper that should be in by tomorrow afternoon or evening: " Discuss the implications of Romanticism for 18th and 19th century astrology and the occult."
lots of people over for easter dinner. shelly is looking very pretty in her silk kimono top. i made vegan cookies from a veganchallenge recipe. oliver brought me lots of ingredients, including flax seeds, which was really exciting. you can use flax seeds as egg replacer! you blend them up with water and they get really gooey! i was very impressed and amazed by this.

i took 5htp tonight and i'm marveling at how fucked up brain chemistry is. i feel so much better than i have in so long, i feel optimistic and like myself and like i can handle things. i am remembering what it is like to have a sense of wonder, instead of being weighed down by the drudgery of all things. maybe this is what it feels like to be able to know when things are right or wrong, instead of everything just seeming wrong all the time. it would be so nice to be able to discern what feels right.

i met someone else with a neptune/mercury conjunction tonight. that makes two people besides myself that i know that have that in their natal chart. it makes me really comforted to talk to other people who have the same crazy thing in their chart as me, even if those people don't understand astrology one bit.

i guess i should go try and write this paper. i'm going to seattle thursday night for the symposium. check out some of the classes:

Religion & the Occult in the Age of Enlightenment
The Occult Origins of Positivism (Theosophy, the Golden Dawn & Crowley)
Descartes, Bacon and Philosophy of Science
Freud, Jung, Rudhyar & Jones

yeah!!


April 13, 2004 - 12:30pm

doug martsch says

sorry to do this. lyrics:

no one can tell me to listen
no one can tell me what's right
because nobody has my permission
no one can see in your mind

...

started having a weird, rare feeling on the train: "i can do whatever i want." i used to feel that way a lot when i was younger but hardly ever do i feel in control of my life that way anymore.

thinking about toshok today. he hurt his arm. if you are lucky enough to live near him you should bring him something from tartine bakery and coo over him. poor kid.

new york is misty and inconsolably dreary today. the mist lays on top of the buildings like a thick wet pillow the size of the whole city. it makes me think of being at omega in the damp and sleeping with my wet blankets and pillows every night - they were always cold and damp from soaking up the ambient water in the air.

today i have been listening to wilco and built to spill. i had black coffee, and now i'm eating granola and soy yogurt mush. i spoke to xep about robotic dogs and dogs with thyroid problems, amongst other things.

took a 5htp before bed last night, not sure how it affected me other than making me sleep very deeply and have more trouble than usual getting out of bed. woke up feeling a little moody. but i went to sleep that way too. i've been having lots of small overwhelming rushes of emotion today, and some negative thought patterns. i wonder if it's the beginning of the PMS cycle. i just got through ovulation so maybe that's when the downward spiral begins, after ovulation.

i haven't done my taxes and i don't really care.

moon: waxing crescent in aquarius.
mercury is retrograde. not sure what the effects have been for me yet.

i just want to be free.


April 15, 2004 - 2:53pm

-

today, i have faith that everything is going to work out as it should. i have faith that the right path will present itself and trust that i will know it when it comes. what i have been looking for inside myself is some kind of certainty that what i am doing is right, that decisions already made were right. looking for a gaurantee. i'm not going to get that - it doesn't work that way. But whatever happens will be the right thing, and I'm devoted to finding out what that is and trusting that it will be clear. And I believe in my ability to handle whatever comes with steadiness, confidence, and bravery.
going to seattle tonight. just screwed up at work, feeling kind of stupid/guilty about that. oh well. forgive and move on i guess.

i am hatching a hare brained scheme. but i've learned not to tell the internet about those.

yay seattle.


April 17, 2004 - 9:09pm

symposium (103)

the great northwest. it's very pretty here. i haven't seen much of the mountain, but the cloud formations are really putting out so i'm not too concerned.
not much to report, really. been going to class. physically not doing so well today.

this afternoon we discussed theoretical physics and modern cosmological models including those of einstein forward. we spent some time on sheldrake and that made me very excited. at some point in the conversation of quantum theory, entanglement theory, and bell's theorem, i got kind of upset and overwhelmed at the glory of it all and thought i was actually going to puke with excitement.

the class was very split on their interest in the discussion of physics and its relationship to philosophy. one of my classmates made a remark like "i'm just trying to get through the day. i can barely get through a day of normal thoughts much less this." i said, "these types of ideas are what get me through the day."

overall i am doing very well. i have a plan and i feel really confident in my abilities lately. still taking 5htp (it's been a week now) and i feel that it is very helpful, though this weekend i have felt it giving me a little bit of a 'dulling' effect. observation continues.

now i'm going to go for a walk through the sunset to the health food store and get a huge fat sandwich full of plants and things made from/by plants. ♥


April 19, 2004 - 12:18am

on time and trusting it

just got out of a very detailed lecture on predictive astrology. the guy who was speaking, a man named greg bogart, was going into great detail on the kinds of predictions an astrologer can make using secondary progressions and the solar arc. the chart examples he gave were so specific and detailed, it was very impressive. at first, listening to him made me feel a little discouraged and upset, because i want to be able to provide that kind of insight to people who come to me with questions about themselves and their chart. but then i realized that as i continue with school i will learn how to do those things on my own schedule, through practice and focus. it was nice to realize i can trust my own ability to gather that knowledge on my own timetable. it is happening.
...

every symposium, what happens is that i drink lots of coffee then i go to class and my mind wanders to all the things i want to do, and i obsessively write them down during the lectures. i thought i'd transcribe the todo lists that are created out of my caffeinated haze in seattle.

to-do list from the 102 symposium in january:

- get astrolabe
- organize kepler handouts
- do yoga *
- get hades moon book
- investigate jung institute *
- investigate ny NCGR *
- acquire rose quartz for grounding **
- see movie "Elizabeth"
- find good accessible library
- decide if my mars in the 7th or not
- visit john dee's obsidian mirror in the british museum
- become magus in alan moore or elizabethan style
- get ginko tea *
- be earthy let hair grow long- libra rising- fuzzy long skirts

* accomplished
** i got black tourmaline instead

to do list from this symposium thus far:

- resume yoga
- find some kind of cardio workout (5rhythms)
- hand draw charts for practice
- transcribe tapes of my chart readings for this site
- make astrology business cards
- investigate ny theosophical society
- switch laptop battery to spare
- get copy of whole earth catalog
- watch cosmos
- read the tao of physics
- get handwriting analyzed
- find holistic dentist
- investigate joseph campbell

i'll let you know how it goes.


April 24, 2004 - 4:03pm

freedom

i am laying in bed, on top of the comforter and under the afghan. my socks are still on, all my clothes are on. i've been staring out the window at a huge green tree sway gently against a bright blue sky. i hear an occasional airplane, an occasional voice from the street, an occasional meow from yoko. i said i was going to clean but i'm not, i'm going to lay here and probably nap, and maybe wake up later and have more coffee and work on schoolwork if the fancy strikes me. it's saturday afternoon and it's spring and i've given myself license not to worry today.


April 26, 2004 - 12:01pm

in the interim

sometimes, when things are too much for saying here right now, i go and make little text files in my home directory. today i am cleaning up my home directory so i'm running across some of them. now that time has scrubbed these thoughts clean, they are safe for you to see. here is one from a few summers ago, when everything was sweet:

still/home/le: more aug142002
at 3am, we were in drunken sweaty symmetry in his bed. new york city
was 103 degrees and we had been out in it. for the first time i
noticed that i could feel the subway go by, from his bed. we lay in
the exact same position, legs overlapping, facing each other. we slept
like this for some time. i woke up occasionally to stare at his
features and feel confused.

who is it about?? an old friend who i'd been reunited with, he lived in the east village at the time. we were so happy to be together again that we could only lay in bed and look upon each other with amazement. now we live a block away from each other and never see each other - magic wears off of everything when not tended to.


April 28, 2004 - 12:35pm

pro life its a lie they dont care if women die

on sunday, i tagged along with amy, hillary, and linnea to the march for womens lives. there were an estimated 1.15 million people there, the largest march in washington in over 10 years. it was my first trip to DC. i took some pictures, which can be found here. there are some awesome ones of super scary fundamentalist pro-lifers.
i want to say more about my experience, but i'm sick and have a fuzzy head today, so the pictures will have to do.

here is the obligatory shot:

0


April 30, 2004 - 11:26am

hi

the cold is retreating.
yesterday some men in suits were in the elevator with me, and they were talking about the features of their respective lexuses. lexii?

i have been sweating a lot, and it ruins all my shirts. i don't understand why it happens but it's starting to really really bother me. i had some theories about why it might happen but i just don't know anymore.

i have had some really good times cuddling into my bed in the last week.

last night stephen was down in nyc from omega. we watched the sun set over jersey after eating some fake chicken. we agreed to trade mentions in each other's journals (BLOGS) because i was bugging him to update. he also had to pee.


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