February, 2004
ode to you
before i knew anything about the world, we lay together in a room with glass walls atop a warehouse. surrounded by the ambient detritus of addled and altered human emotions. the air was thick with it - but remember, i didn't know how to sense that then. you wore a red dress, and i stroked your back as you sweated into the floor, clutching your hands into fists. we never checked, and no one will ever know for sure, but when i have this memory, there are waning moon shaped crescents in your palms, left by your bitten nails. snippet of hardwood floor, snippet of dirty lint covered back rug, people moving in and out of the room, stepping over each other. but it was just you and me, in many ways, for a moment. just beyond the door the sky was grey with fog. you raised your head with a gasp, your chin wobbling in a lazy figure 8, and said thank you. i can't forget it.
maaaaaa
*bleat*
*prance*
accidental fisting haiku
i got fisted once
i didn't realize it though
she had a small hand
...
(written today in chat, by accident)
sorry for all the whitespace. i figure haikus need lots of space.
this morning
things to do:- call the vet about yoko
- email coco about places to get pierced, tattoo'd, haircuts in new york
- ask caitlin her opinion on my new hair idea
- fill out transit check request form for work
- do a bunch of crap for work actually
....
new tattoo idea this morning ... back to the idea of getting something on the hips. i really like the placement of bracket's birds over her hipbones. considering plants, goddesses. the deal with tattoo ideas is that you dream of them constantly and eventually one sticks.
....
today is bob dylan all day. i am tired but not really. i am feeling pretty strong, at one with my goals and powered by my own determination.
isis oh isis you're a mystical child.
....
i really came here because i wanted to publish the story my old friend ryan sent me email in 2001. he forwarded it back to me and it is good. he is good with the stories. and handsome. i would go so far as to say "chiseled" but if that word makes you think of fabio, ignore it. i never saw ryan much but the times i did are incredibly memorable. and because of that, he registers as a good friend when i think of him.
here is the story:
Date: Fri, 7 Sep 2001
Subject: welcome back to san francisco
for me anyway.
i was going downtown for the first time in about a month and half,
had an errand to run at city hall.
on the way back on the n-judah there was some people make some
noise halfway through the train, the part that turns, there in the
middle, the fun place to stand.
made nothing of that.
then i looked down and there was a pigeon at my feet.
oh, interesting.
a hippy guy comes up crawling down the floor of the crowded car
and is trying to get the bird. the bird flaps madly, we are in the
tunnel before cole/carl. he hands me a paper bag but says nothing.
i'm too busy trying to make eye contact with some nice looking
mountain girl to do anything.
i wake up.
i bend down and he grabs the bag, i grab the bird and stuff it in.
nothing more is said, i get off at the next stop.
hope he's not eating it.
...
and finally.
my roomate & best pal:
[07:56] <*bcm*> did you hear me booting last night
[07:56] <*bcm*> god i was so drunk
[07:56] <*bcm*> i got home at like 3am
[07:56] <*bcm*>> i'm still drunk dude
[07:57] <*bcm*> i power booted, then ate chocolate cake
saturday night
i am so happy right now. i have been left alone to study. it's late and i'm only going to stay up later, alone, listening to music with my tea and my books. so happy. so happy. so happy. reason for living. any other concerns are backgrounded now. life is clear, as clear as the sky looked just now as i walked to the corner to get chai, the moon shining bright and silver above brooklyn.
...
ps. i just went back and read my journal entries since the beginning of the year, and i thought they were really good and interesting. don't you think my journal has been more interesting lately? please email me and let me know. le at elly.org. thanks!
goals
haven't updated in a while. this after i said "hey, hasn't my journal been so interesting?!?" i guess i jinxed myself.
i am slipping into the oblivion of work and school. very little time to myself means less time to dream and think and settle into my own self and my goals. it's tuesday afternoon and i'm already forgetting the lessons i learned about myself this weekend: that i'm a person who loves to study, sleep, lay quietly, dye my hair crazy colors, visit with cute girls in piercing shops, and wander aimlessly.
reminding yourself of who you are and that this is not forever is the constant challenge of working full time. it's no wonder so many people never escape the wheel of rat life, the spindle of corporate fate. its so hard to think when you're in it, you can easily forget the spirit of things.
if you know me, dont let me forget.
also: before i leave NYC i want to get another tattoo.
geek update
attention web developers. do you use firebird/firefox? i just found a really neat extension for firebird/firefox that gives you a load of neat developer tools, on a handy menu bar in the browser. it lets you outline certain elements of the HTML and CSS so you can see what you're doing, as well as disable parts of the page, validate your HTML, and more. Get it here or look at a screenshot of it installed on my machine.
if you don't use firebird/firefox (sorry for the slash, i just can't accept the new name yet), you can use this debugging stylesheet. thanks to jim for the debugging stylesheet URL.
sometimes web dev is fun! especially when you've had too much coffee and you're listening to the beastie boys!
:D
cry for everything bad that ever happened
been a moody few days, really. all the ups and downs. friday really sucked. my uterus was ripe with undivulged blood. i knew about it. the moon knew about it. didn't stop me from flinging unbridled rage at most of the world. i have been a bit low and generally kind of down and sad. low energy, kinda trudging forward. too much working, getting tired of the balancing act of work and school. praying for the fortitude to get through these next two papers at school and get the term done. so i can breathe, do yoga, have time to think about who i am.
my life consists of different components which have different feelings associated with them. one could easily identify the two main components as SAN FRANCISCO (PAST) and NEW YORK CITY (PRESENT). sometimes they overlap and it gets very confusing indeed.
i can't really write about all the shit that has been going on. someone i love fiercely and completely has been having a scary and terrible time and much of my energy has been invested in keeping watch over him as much as i can from my considerable distance.
...
there's something magical and amazing in the way that we can love, without being Together. it has given me a lot of faith and trust in the world. the careful way people can treat each other when there is a potential to do so much damage - and perhaps just cause for some vengeful damage to be done.
...
my cat is fat and has urinary tract issues but she wont eat her prescription food.
...
last night was oliver/tamara's birthday party. my mood has not been too PARTY! lately but i managed to rock a cute outfit and have a good time despite being surrounded by strangers!
(i had a great conversation with a random capricorn about joseph campbell and free will vs fate. i tell ya, i live for unexpected intellectual and philosophical discourses. i love that i can carry the torch of those conversations in and out of parties and bars and the world. it's kind of like how i like to think that at any given point, someone (probably many people) are meditating, and when i realize that, i feel very thankful to those people for taking care of meditation for me in that moment. in the moments that i am gesticulating wildly about fate and philosophyand the collective unconcious mind, i feel that i am taking care of something important for us too.)
lets see. rambling memories: in a moment of total joyful understanding of the exact right thing to do, i got oliver a pink rose for his tux. to match the pink skirt i wore. there were red lights everywhere (clip lights: the poor mans effects lighting), porn on the wall (hairy people!) and group nudie art photos taken. i ran around naked in just my stripey socks and boots, which is basically my favorite way to be dressed ever. a very animated tiny hot british girl sniffed my armpits and thusly had to use all her self control not to jump me right there which made me extremely happy. pinky was wearing a dress with crazy smocking. jax the dog posed nude. oliver and i had a nice walk searching for bottled water and peering in shop windows at 2am or whenever. simon showed up and wouldn't take off her jacket, despite her fly airbrushed sweatshirt underneath. my glasses were lost and recovered.
...
a while ago i had a conversation with s5 about what to say when people ask 'what do you do' when they meet you. s5 had an idea that he would just say whatever he'd been doing the most of lately, whatever was most important to him, or whatever he felt like he wanted to be that day. that conversation surfaced in my memory last night because i realized how completely unidentifying and unimportant my day job is, and how much i don't want to ever tell people what it is as a response to 'what do you do' or as a benchmark on the road to getting to know anything about me. because it really couldn't have less to do with anything relevant about my personality at all.
so if anyone asks i'm an astrologer, or, a student of astrology/philosophy. or maybe i'll just start saying i'm president of the 2012 awareness foundation.
it was a good revelation.
unfortunately another weekend has passed without any progress on schoolwork at all. it's not a good thing. i've been having anxiety dreams.
that's everything for now. love.
888 7th avenue, 7th floor. ways to kill time.
two categories.
killing time:
- walk the long way to the bathroom. there and back.
- "public radio" section of itunes "radio"
- blogs.
- work on freelance projects
- rage at anyone who will listen on chat about how bad shit is
- walk the long way to the bathroom. there and back.
- shop online.
- laps around cube farm, to and from printer.
good times to get a private moment to poo in the women's room:
- mid morning. everyone is actually working.
- during "normal" lunch hours. everyone is paying 10 dollars for a salad.
- sometimes there is a window mid afternoon but it's unpredictable.
http://www.swinney.org/journals/article.phtml?id=3543.txt
hey alright
god.slept for 14 hours yesterday. started melting down at work. sometimes it is all just too much, especially when you've not been sleeping. left early, went home, slept from 5pm until 8am. beautiful. dreamt nothing. the cat curled up in a ball in the crook of my arm. when i woke up i found that she finally started eating the prescription cat food. my socks were on. went to work feeling peaceful, without showering or even changing my panties. who cares. i did the ol' armpit wash in the sink.
at tea lounge, the boys lined up in a row and began to discuss apple varieties and berate me gently for not knowing what kind mine was. oliver knows, i don't. someone guessed heirloom. someone guessed some japanese thing. i don't know. it was a green apple.
i did some reading for school on the train and managed to accomplish a lot that way. made a list of things i needed to take care of at work today. calm.
woke up to tuggy playing the decemberists. nice way to wake up. the sun was shining too! and i listened to the decemberists again when i got to work.
i just need more time to think. sleep counts, believe it or not.
minus one
some days, you roll into work at 11 and you know it's just not a day for incredible productivity. this day is like that. i woke up late in oliver's bed. wrong clothes, no hair supplies. the plan is always to go back home and feed the cat and change in the morning. yeah right. howabout roaming down to the subway kinda smelly in the outfit you wouldn't have chosen if you'd woken up at home. face in some state of unwashed or wrongly washed. hair, well, who cares.
basically, who cares? my feet are kind of sticky inside my shoes today.
my main triumph for today is twofold: getting most of my study questions answered for school, and doing sun salutations at a brisk pace this morning before leaving for work. there have been other small victories. identifying a gift strategy for egg's birthday. identifying class times for yoga at IYI and realizing it's totally doable that i should be able to get down there after work once a week. before work would be WAY better but waking up has been an issue. isn't it always?
got some contract work taken care of - thanks olivia. not sure where to link to olivia at since she has gone INCOGNITO. WHAT A GEMINI. speaking of geminis, i am psyched because it looks like stephen got hired at omega for this season. great. perfect. so glad that worked out as planned.
since i am basically goofing off today (does asking questions about CSS on the orkut CSS community count as working?) perhaps i will fix this broken crap interface of my journal. lord knows i have made everyone else's journal look good. why not mine.
i have been kind of depressed since thursday. i think i said that yesterday. i'm taking steps to make it better though. just sinking into my own way of being. getting the routine down, working on the schoolwork as best i can, trying to get some yoga in here. food continues to be an issue. perhaps produce delivery is in order?
going out for egg's bday tonight. i will wear a miniskirt.
sorry for the mundane journal entry. sometimes it's just that way. my main emotional conflicts lately, if you need some juice, have been:
- got offered a job at omega where i would be able to still save cash, live outdoors, and generally be in a spiritually aware environment. probably physically healthier. that happened yesterday. but i just moved to new york and don't want to be uprooted again. so i probably won't take it even though it fucking kills me not to. is this adulthood? welcome.
- ex boyfriend. sigh. :(
- anger brought on by the conflict of working fulltime in corporate america, and eating food in plastic containers.
archives
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egg
