elly.org / journals

March, 2003

March 5, 2003 - 4:04am

cyan came and took my three huge bags of clothes away. she is going to go through them and take some of them to sell. i love earth signs, when they do such sweet practical things like that. it's so awesome. i am surrounded by earthy people lately.


March 6, 2003 - 3:48am

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wow, i think i just spent four hours unpacking dilligently. i went through peter's papers. he is the most perfect human alive. have you seen his eyes? they are so beautiful, they're hazel with rings of gold around the outside. when he gets sleepy or lost he drops back into them and they are clear and unguarded then. you can examine their colors freely as he searches his brain for time and space. other times he is an elf creature and his eyes are entirely made of jewels and stars, and you have to squint to shield yourself from the beauty. he doesn't know, though. he is like an animal who carries the most valuable truths, all of them are just beyond our grasp. there's a communication gap.

we were out of coffee today so i wandered out into the sunlight in my pajamas to find a cup. the man on the streetcorner selling robbed possessions was selling a pair fo boots just like the ones i have, and a jacob's ladder just like mine too, except one of the ribbons was a different color. that's how i knew he didn't rob me specifically.

i had four stuffed monkeys i didn't need anymore so i thought i'd send them on an adventure. i advertised on craigslist: FREE MONKEYS. and a woman named vegan_rebecca came to get them. because of her vegan status i trusted her implicitly. this was obviously a mistake because upon her arrival at my home she informed me that she was going to make a fur coat out of them. it's very sad but i let her have them anyway. i am very maternal about my stuffed animals. maybe it was a good lesson. but i kind of want to email her and ask for them back. poor monkeys.


March 9, 2003 - 6:20am

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tipping around the garden at 4am. i met a cat. mitch painted the decks with a new coat of white sealant yesterday. i admired it's porcelain glare and noted that a small furry beast, probably the one i met, had left white footprints all over the stairs and the path. kitten tracks.

slow moving. nathan is snoring beyond a door. a few moments ago i was seeking out chewy slightly dry raisins in my granola. i'm so thankful to be awake when others are sleeping, so that i may think uninterrupted. tonight i was working for a while on web stuff and shuffling through astrological charts too. march is busy.

spent some time looking at the sky. it was a chilly deep blue, a before-dawn blue.


March 11, 2003 - 5:27am

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i'm cranky. i want to be left alone. it seems like time alone is something that i will always have to fight for.


March 17, 2003 - 10:36am

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i don't even remember writing that last entry, or why i was so cranky.


March 17, 2003 - 11:40am

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i don't really know what to do. dying isn't even enough to stop anything happening. and so i am helpless.


March 17, 2003 - 11:59am

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:(


March 28, 2003 - 9:58pm

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http://movies.bmezine.com/war/


March 28, 2003 - 10:36pm

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i am sad. i miss my father. the passage of time troubles me. i want to go back to how it was before, i want that more and more often. i don't want to be getting older, i don't want him to have gotten older, i don't want him to be going through this.

i have fantasies where i go and get him. i start to think practically: can i afford a plane ticket to a nearby country? saudi arabia perhaps. i would need a guide to take me into kuwait, someone who could speak the language and protect me from anti american sentiment. how would i get into the camp or find the camp though? there is no way. i need to befriend the media, that's the only way. but then i think, what would i do when i got there. even if he came with me, and we went home together. it wouldn't solve anything. he would be safer but thousands would be dying anyway. and how could i stop that. how can i.

maybe i just feel like i should be with him.

terrible things are happening. i feel alternately guilty and lucky for the pleasure of my life. the ease. i am hyperaware of the luxury i live in. i wish it for more people.

they played bob dylan at work and i got upset. i said THIS IS AN INSULT THAT YOU WOULD PLAY THIS, HERE, NOW. i turned it off. it is fucking insulting to play 'god on our side' or 'masters of war' in a fucking soap shop in union square during a goddamn massacre. people in black tailored clothing obliviously shopping while a protest goes on outside and masters of war plays on the speakers. i don't judge them; maybe they spent every other day protesting and needed a day off to just shop and forget. maybe their cousins and sons are in kuwait, or maybe they are arab immigrants with dead uncles in iraq. what do i know. all i know is that i don't want anyone playing GOD ON OUR SIDE when people won't stop and listen to the lyrics. fuck that.

i am having trouble finding any coherent listings of protests. have people just been reconverging downtown at 5pm each day? i want to know where to go and what to do.


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