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intensity is the new black.

today is filled with truly mundane obstacles and annoyances, and with all of them are combined, they have succeeded in making my life total sucksuck.

seth and sarah finished moving out today, which is good because it means eve has a room to be in, but bad because it means they took some nice things we were liking have around, like the washer and dryer. bummer. plus the movers broke the window in the landing, and seth ran out of boxes so i gave him mine which had all my goodwill clothes in them. so now all my goodwill clothes are on the bed, looming at me and making napping very hard.

also, i have a cold. snot emporium. snot snot snot. headache. snot and headaches.

also, i am completely broke and can't afford even the most basic good things, like new underwear.

also, the guy who loaned me my turntables a few years ago just reappeared and wants them back. i don't have the money to buy them off him (and he doesn't want to sell them, anyway), and i don't have the money for new ones. this is so so so sad. music is going away. i became super attached to those decks. :( :( :(

also the person from the sort of silly sad 10 dollar an hour job i was actually kind of excited about didn't get back to me today like she said she would. i called her, left a message. sigh.

but, the sky is beautiful and i am pretty sure that one day i will have money again. in the meantime i am going to go crawl in bed and nap off my headache maybe. dosed up on advil and sudafed which is so out of character for me.

meh.

i saw a job listing on craigslist for a job at CIIS. that is, the california institute of integral studies. the only place in san francisco i really really really want to work. so i printed out my cover letter and resume and marched down there, infiltrated the office of the person who was doing the hiring, and handed it over. she looked at me patiently and somewhat skeptically, said thank you, and added the resume to the stack of 150 resumes that she was reviewing. i left very depressed, discouraged, and worried. not only for myself but for the thousands of smart and capable and spiritual and ambitious people in this city who are having to do what i did today, which is take a ten dollar an hour salesgirl job because no other doors are open.

the salesgirl job is probably actually going to be fun. it is for the first lush store in the USA. it's really not enough money to afford to do much besides pay rent and bills and eat, but i have some other stuff i'm doing on the side which should help, and as far as droog jobs go, this company is great. they make cool stuff, strive to have a friendly and good workplace, and don't test on animals or use preservatives or anything gross like that. and they don't care if i dress like a freak and have pink dreadlocks. ok.

but it doesn't stop me from worrying, just slightly, about my future, and what this means for it. ultimately i want to be running my own business and hopefully creating a community space for my friends and lovers from omega, some kind of project we can all work on together to make a space for spirit. i'm not sure how it all fits right now. time will tell.

sigh. reality is a harsh mistress sometimes.

yesterday, megan bought a narcissus plant. it was heavy with folded white buds. since dinner tonight, two of the buds have bloomed into fragrant flowers. a few hours ago, nathan and noah called from reno, two gentleman in a truck pointed towards the two blossoms that represent them to us tonight. they'll arrive at dawn. we'll be awake.

peter has been alphabatizing all his cds. everyone in the house has had a hand in this. we sat in his room working on them, with visitors and tribe alike coming in and out, alphabatizing one letter and leaving. questions about band names flew around the room and eric sat with me in the bed reading a book about secret societies.

i am beginning to find a useful flow and equilibrium in this house with the people, their habits, my habits, the food, the chores, and everything else. it's fun and happy here, and i am happy too, and i look forward to everything.

in other news, i got so into reading about 2012, ancient calendars, and the galactic center of the universe today. i began to shiver because i felt like i was really coming to understand something.

what's weird is that i cannot remember how i came to the conclusion that saturn and jupiter were opposites and balancing forces anymore. i know it happened during the mania i experienced in ithaca, but i don't remember anymore the exact process. i do remember that after i got the tattoos, i had a shamanic healing with carolian and she said to me that i was connected with dane ruhdyar (an author who basically changed the face of western astrology), and that he would work with me in my dreams. then, when reading one of his books for the first time last week i found the one and only direct reference i have ever seen of saturn and jupiter as opposites and balancing forces. much of the work in that healing was related to the tattoos.

i don't like the term "healing." no one needs healing. we are all perfect. if we can see it. people are too hung up on the idea of "healing," i think. we need to get beyond healing, and beyond the power dynamic of the healer and healed, the one who brings healing and the one needing the healing.

i smell nag champa.

the other night when i was sitting naked in the big red chair reading phillip a poem i had written about the night we spent driving to new york city, i had a thought. the thought was, i am living the life i dreamed of living. sometimes i have this realization, especially when i have a lot of artists around who are drinking wine and reading poetry and generally being cliche bohemians from movies. it's a subtle feeling that's very hard to describe, it's like a combination of realizing that all your childhood desires have been achieved, and knowing that you've had a dream about a moment before you're in it.

i have had a headache for two days - it's beginning to be debilitating.

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addendum, 5:16am

when they arrived, they pulled directly into a legal parking spot right outside our door. auspicious beginnings.

today i feel like i wasn't cutout to exist in the type of society that's prevalent. i feel like i'm going to die. there are too many things to get done.

life is comfortable and comforting.

noah is asleep on the couch. the last fading guest from the stint of omegans that came through in a displaced clump of time. making me wonder where i was, and what my life is. now just noah, who seems to be able to wake up from a deep slumber and utter something coherent and honest, then fall right back to sleep: are you awake or asleep or somewhere in between? well, i'm gonna be in between, but it's nice to open my eyes and see you there.

eve's room is blue lights and we lay under them talking, somehow like speaking to myself and not. we are all such a unit, our parts and pieces add up to what we are as a whole and i am very sure that it's a unique combination never before seen. i really feel that each person in this house is very important, equal, and that we were dropped into this life and situation for some reason. what it is remains to be seen.

the tribe.

i feel clear and settled.

for now.

my birthday was so good. peter saved me with new turntables. megan made vegan cakes. eve made me a necklace to match my hair. egg made me into an artist, again. she keeps doing that.

we listened to the flaming lips and i took apart a lot of turntables and put them together again. many colored lights adorn our world.

what a nice gratitude day. quiet tiptoes conversations sleeping late then waking up and making vegan pancakes butternbut squash soup. watching a weird documentary. listening to bjork alone in the living room while a pager goes off and is ignored in the bedroom. candles burning. sleepy silence all around, the intersection out the window is quiet.

the tribe went north to frogwood, where they weave gossamer webs of connection around us, meeting more clans like ours. they called on the phone to tell me they were like beached whales and that they loved me.

peter fell asleep completely curled up the chair.

there is no one who does anything remotely like what bjork does. it's amazing.