at the start of 2012, ten of rods
from a tarot reading I just gave myself: "having spent their fuel, the engines of creation grind to a halt"
etc
i wish that when i spend some moments thinking of someone, remember them in great detail, that there was any socially acceptable, or at least not problematic, way to communicate that to them. there isn't, though, unless i want to be that person who sends those sorts of emails. for me it always comes down to this lonely realization that my memories and ideas about someone from Before are about my selfish perception, my experience, my mine my. i wish i was younger, when i felt that those things were still shared, still mutually meaningful. which isn't to say i don't think you think about me, i just know what you're thinking has got nothing to do with what i'm thinking.
I PROMISE THIS IS NOT A MESSAGE TO ANYONE so stop it. i was just going through old letters accidentally.
oct 29
woke up to a dream of runaway horses on 23rd street. did some work, ate, went to the sunset and finally got the sutro tower tattoo finished. it had needed its final outlines and color since i lost track of cece, the original artist, in 2009 or whenever it was. felt truly connected to and cared for by sam at tuesday tattoo. afterward, sat on a sand dune and thought about what it might be like to live in the sunset - either the neighborhood or the event that ends the day. after a truly epic few months of work, between this and a bizarrely restful (in spite of fucked up foot and headcold) trip to new york a couple of weeks ago, i'm finally feeling some room in my brain & heart again. current inspirations include occupy wall street and laurie weeks.
RIP bob arihood
bob arihood took the best photos of the moon over the east village - and the only photos of the moon in an urban environment that i felt really reflected and described my own experience of that celestial body in a city. it seems a small thing, especially since he documented many other things, but i feel very sad at the loss of a kindred moon-seeing photographer. i didn't know him, but followed both his blogs with an unrivaled consistency. it feels a little weird to be so sad about the loss of someone that i never spoke to, but i am really sad today after finding out about his passing. it's a loss that will actually change my days a lot. strange. RIP.
TIFF + general
I am in Toronto, where I have had the pleasure of assisting the makers of this film* with some internet presence strategy as the film premieres. I'm also generally just hanging around Toronto, where I've been cheating on Sutro Tower with the CN Tower, seeing some other random films and enjoying the complete peaceful nothingness of a perfect hotel room and plenty of room service.
I haven't been on a proper vacation with myself in some time, and I'm wondering what it means that I feel like I never want to leave this hotel room - it's so devoid of distraction and clutter. My home, the cavern, has become a real albatross of clutter, I think. I know what it needs to be better, but have been working so much I haven't had the time to do it. I have been fantasizing about just taking two months off and fixing the apartment, making it into the home I know it can be. I've been so steeped in project management lately that the only thing I've done towards the project of home-making is create a spreadsheet of everything that needs to happen. :/
Other than that I am just working toward taming my workload a little so I can feel like I have some more free time, and just generally considering how to make self care more of a priority. I think in my last update I mentioned a goal around avoiding mania, which I was doing well with until about a week ago. I don't know how to stop the buildup. Sometimes I think it's about saying no to things so there are fewer things, but it's hard when my yes-saying has been motivated by true desire rather than guilt or duty as it has been in the past... So what's second to that? Delegation and learning not to take it personally when things slip a little due to the natural state of chaos that is the world, I guess? Tall order.
* Also re: Samsara, as a person who was moved so much by Baraka I have to say that Samsara is just as meaningful to me - I've had the opportunity to see it twice now, and it is very thought provoking. We are all a little older now and the world has changed so much since Baraka and I feel like Samsara captures those changes both directly in the subject matter and indirectly in the subtle differences in filmmaking. It ends up being a portrait of the time we live in, a sometimes disturbing reflection. You can see yourself in it but also feel alienated from what it portrays at the same time. It took seeing it twice for me to be able to formulate that coherent of a thought about it. No one who might be interested in Film really reads this journal but I thought I'd write it out here anyway.
regarding my scent
"you smell like the bog soil i use for my carnivorous plants."
and you were there, and you
last night i dreamt that i was on the orient express, but the orient express was... boats. a caravan of interconnected boats down a nile-like river. they were giant gondolas, festooned with tassles, red velvet, jewels and carved wood. choco-pa was with me, and he was very concerned about losing his luggage. throughout the adventure i saw many old friends.
i haven't seen anyone or anything in forever, so i am glad people are visiting in dreams.
